You may be in a room full of people, but the person you like is all you can pay attention to. You focus your attention on whatever that person is doing or saying. This can cause you to be distracted as you are checking your phone to see if they text you, having trouble focusing at work, or being forgetful.
Remember that while your attraction to this person is strong, do not forget about the people in your life who were there first as well as your responsibilities. They say that time flies when you are having fun. When you are with this person, it feels like so much time has gone by because you are enjoying your time with this person.
It makes you think that no time will be enough when you are with this person. It can be because of the deep, long conversations you are both having, have fun activities in common, enjoy the comfortable silence, or just enjoy your time together.
There is never any boredom with this person. You feel like because there is such an attraction between the two of you, you can say whatever you want to this person.
You do not worry about judgment or anger. When there is chemistry, you do not have to feel nervous around this person and you can just relax as you let your thoughts pour out. You really trust this person that if you share anything private, they will not say anything to anyone. The best way you can detect romantic chemistry is if the two of you can be friends as well. Not everything should be about physical actions, but about the close bond the two of you have.
By being able to be friends , there should not have to be too much pressure to impress. The stronger the chemistry is, the longer your love will last. Located in Centennial, Colorado, Restoration Therapy works with patients who are struggling with addiction, intimacy disorders, and trauma who are seeking treatment.
In order to offer patients a more holistic view on healthy sexuality, Restoration Therapy offers individualized and group therapy, workshops, psycho-educational classes, and more to restore the harm brought on by addiction and intimacy issues. For more information, please call us at as we are open Monday through Friday from 8 a.
If you and your partner share humor and find one another interesting, you probably have mutual interest. When you are not in the person's presence, you are thinking about and looking forward to seeing them again.
Reciprocal candor refers to when you can just talk to someone so easily about any topic. It means you have easy communication, a sense of trust, and feel understood in the relationship.
Especially looking toward the future of a relationship, this is an incredibly important trait. Personableness refers to a person's demeanor. Chemistry can grow if both people are genuine, down-to-earth, caring, and kind.
When it comes to intimacy, it doesn't necessarily refer to physical attraction. Intimacy in romantic chemistry is a blend of reciprocal candor and personableness. It's an intimate, trusting connection you feel with nobody else. Not to be confused with physical similarity, this trait refers to "matching each other on core attributes, such as values, morals, beliefs, and life goals," explains Campbell.
People who are mismatched on values likely won't last long in a relationship together because these attributes are unlikely to change and dictate how people live their lives. Core values speak to how you want to live your life. Examples of core values include honesty, curiosity, empathy, transparency, and humor.
Religious views and family structure wanting kids vs. Last, but certainly not least, physical attraction refers to perceiving one another as sexually desirable. Friendship chemistry: An examination of underlying factors. Soc Sci J. Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for Brides. At any time, you can update your settings through the "EU Privacy" link at the bottom of any page.
These choices will be signaled globally to our partners and will not affect browsing data. Bravo Evan …. As always thank you for your common sense , clarity , and well-written posts. I was in a beautiful relationship for 8 years, we had great chemistry and compatibility. The relationship ended for other reasons. Anyway I got into another relationship with a wonderful guy, we got along well in everything else except sexually.
I just did not crave his touch, and when he did touch me, the sooner I could get away the better. He actually asked me to marry him and I said yes, but when things started progressing in that direction I had to stop and think. I wish I had realised this before things went this far. So yes, a balance of both chemistry and compatibility is extremely important.
Im keeping this article in mind going forward to maintain some balance. I tend to agree. When it becomes a pattern that the same girl constantly blows off a cute guy that treats her like gold, then something seems fishy to me. Very funny. I guess I mus thave missed the same thing you did! The relationship I was in ended because he refused to communicate. At that point, there was little I could do to continue a relationship.
I overlooked surface things about him that he said other women did not. So perhaps you are thinking of someone else. I have also stated that I have been attracted to good guys who have not been attracted back. I also said that sometimes a major incompatiblity would be there.
I do hope he has found someone special to start a family with, because AFAIK he would be a great husband and father, just not for me. Sometimes I was the one thrown back. Sometimes we BOTH lost interest early on. EMK dated over women before he met the woman of his dreams.
I also freely admitted that I have been dumped by good guys. I even put a little frowny face after that. I am wondering why you are so determined to blame women and make them wrong or dishonest, when men experience the same COMMON issues in dating as we do. I hear you and I am with you. Best wishes to all of us. General thought to everyone — If everyone could feel that magical spark for EVERY single nice person who crossed their path, can you imagine how difficult monogamy would be?
Maybe there is something built into us, to prevent us from getting that spine tingling sensation for every nice person we meet. Sparkling Emerald I love your comment.
That is funny! Had me laugh right out loud and I needed a laugh. I just broke up with someone nice and feel terribly bad about hurting someone.
Rejection giving or receiving is unpleasant experience for both sides. I think your thoughts on the subject helped ease the pain. Magical Sparks and spine tingling sensations are built in and rare …Thank heaven! Good point, Sparkling Emerald! I meet cute, nice guys all the time at work and in my social network, imagine falling in love with most of them at the same time?
I myself have dated many nice guys and rarely did I feel chemistry with them. I have felt chemistry but not compatibility with certain men and our relationship did not last. They might compromise but may resent me for trying to change them. There are some people who fall in love easily but I am not that way. Very true. The most lonely I have ever felt was in my home with my now ex-wife.
Single is lonely too, but not painfully. Chemistry: I learned that it takes more than kindness and compatibility to make a relationship work. In the last year or so I have been on many dates with a dozenish different women.
After two recent dating partners I realized something about chemistry and compatibility. With one, I turned away from a fun woman with great conversational chemistry.
We spent a lot of time together. Towards the end of the first month her physical touch creeped me out that was a new one for me. The other woman was quite attractive, significantly younger important since I had wanted the option of more children very kind, sweet and really had her life together. She also clearly communicated I was wanted and we had a very fun back and forth. The passion never built far. I think it was because some of her values were not in synch with mine. All I know for sure is what I felt.
After two months, I pulled the plug. One thing I learned this year is a near truism: b oth have to be ready for a relationship for it to take.
Theincompatibilities that doomed my two examples rendered me emotionally unavailable on a deep level to either of them. This manifested for me with broken chemistry on my side. I am beginning to doubt that there is anything else to it. Patterns: Dean, Starthrower, Emerald and anyone else who piled in Post17 was deliberately snarky, but was making a valid point until the last sentence. If a pattern keeps repeating then ask what is the common factor.
I still want a relationship and maybe have a family again. After journaling and soul searching during December and understanding better some things about myself I know I am not available to anyone new. I pulled the plug on dating instead of wasting my and their energy, time and hopes. I focus on happiness with the other parts of my life.
I am sad about that, but it is not the end of the world. I have my friends, my son and will keep developing other parts of my life. I will enjoy and see where my journey takes me. I stopped beating my head against a wall: that made me frustrated and unhappy. Very Profound David T! Added Bonus: gave me insight into a situation in my own life. Thank you. Sounds like you are saying two different things…? I am thinking of taking a break from dating and I am open to the idea that my 23 year marriage might be the last relationship of my life.
I would rather have NO relationship than a bad one. I came close to crying with joy seeing him on the beginning of his journey to make his dream come true. I wished 2 things when I met my ex hubby, 1. That I would be in love for the last time, and 2. That it would last forever. I just might have to accept the fact that I only got one of those wishes.
Well, do stay open to what may come. You never know. Just try not to hurt others along the way. I feel like I am done, but intellectually I know that could change after a while. Ruby My point with the examples was that regardless of my general emotional availability, any chemistry with them would have been killed by other problems and that chemistry is slave to compatibility, at least for me. Your unspoken assumption is that it was my dating those two women that taught me I was unavailable.
It was work with my therapist and my journaling and meditation and other self examination that led me to that conclusion. Those dating experiences did contribute to the process because they helped remind me how to self-assess.
Regardless, those relationships were doomed even if I had been able to attach. David T 29 Has put so eloquently into words exactly how I feel too…. I think something people miss out on is that this woman is Does she reject every nice guy and feel chemistry only with narcissists?
Or is it this one guy? I think many people confuse chemistry and attraction. Attraction is probably more like desire to have sex with someone. A 25 year old should be pickier than a 45 year old. Brilliant statement. It helped me feel better about a great guy I had to disappoint.
He is a wonderful warm, kind, thoughtful, funny, great values, everything-you-want-to-have-in-a-husband kind of guy. But I felt no immediate chemistry during our first two dates. Since he is a great guy I would have been willing to date him a few more times splitting the checks, of course — to see if chemistry would develop.
He was too boy-friend-y afer two dates. But I considered him a friend and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not cut him off so quickly. Unfortunately, I think he assumed we were exclusive — after TWO dates?? So sad.
I wonder if our friendship will recover. There is no easy way for ME to initiate a conversation about what went down without embarrassing or offending him. I feel healthier and I know I can make efforts for fulfillment with or without a relationship. Thats because some people just get you more.
You laugh at the same things etc. I think its fine to have a lot of chemistry with someone. Its even good! David T 33 Sparkle.. Will continue with meet up, I always have fun at their special interest groups. I wrote the original question, and I wanted to let you all know that I did end things with the guy; prior to seeing this post. He was very nice about it. After a month and daily phone calls I was not laughing. And laughter is really important to me! I hope Evan, that you think I made the right decision.
Your advice has really helped me and I so appreciate you taking the time to answer this. I would not want some of those lows ever again. I do want to replicate the good parts of that relationship — the laughter, the connection, and the fun we had.
Also note: the guy I wrote about in the question was quite a bit older than me more than 7 years but less than Thank you all for your comments.
I have a date this weekend and I am going into it with the attitude to feel more and think less. Sometimes I overthink so much, I forget to have fun on the actual date. I honestly stumbled on your post for some sort of reason only to realize that this is exactly what I needed. You see I too am 25 had been unlucky in my early 20s meeting guys that are pathological liars or emotional abusers or physical abusers. I decided to take a break because I was tired of meeting the wrong people but then I was introduced to this guy who had just been recently divorced.
If im being honest right from the get go i was NOT attracted to him physically…. I was basically turned off by how at 45 he neglected taking care of himself and it was starting to show in many ways. I did however share the same values,he is God-fearing,kind,loving,caring,transparent,committed,spoiling,driven,family oriented,open to learning and trying new things……I could go on. He is basically ticks off all the things I look for in a guy but no connection or spark.
The guy proposed 3 months from when we started dating, but I thank the heavens I said I needed time to think about it. He is so loving but I still am incapable of loving him back. I felt even worse after having sex. I cringed the whole time it just felt so wrong,him touching me still makes me feel creepy,like he is not supposed to. I just wish we had something least if he made me laugh and if we had chemistry i would not be here mopping.
After 2 years of dating,we got married i was 20 and he was 25 unfortunately it ended because we were young and he got his ex pregnant 8 months into our marriage so i left. My point is whether you fall in love instantly or over time,there must be something more than just good traits that can make the 2 people connect long enough to want to take it further.
I really needed this. Thanks Evan and TJ for your feedback and story respectively. Sparkling Emerald 32, You articulate my thoughts as well. I look at the people my children have grown into and realize that I have done the right thing by putting them first even it if meant no special man in my life. My oldest boy is one of those good guys that Evan talks about and his girlfriend recognizes it. Of the few I have dated, I did let them meet my kids and it was almost too early for me but I did nonetheless.
I feel much like David T. Hormone changes might affect how we look at the opposite sex. Is there someone else more suited to me? I date another who is the exact opposite in personality, is professional and very good at what he does, is driven to do better and 20 years younger than the other man, and I enjoy his company as well, just maybe not as much—although he admittedly has had a closed heart to me, and has been changing and opening up much more, right before my eyes.
Finally, I am trying something different. I have told these men both who I was in an agreed upon relationship at one time that I am into dating them, nothing more at this point. Being in this formalized arrangement just felt like too much pressure for me and for them I dated them both exclusively in the recent past.
And I look forward to the change because change is usually a good thing—patience and time and change solve all problems :. Well guess what? Michelle If fear drives someone, that is a psychological issue. I understand the fear factor. But my current or next relationship is not the right place to work those out. And that can be a problem if it sends us into ambivalent relationships or relationships with no real hope.
Back to TJ, at Laughter is important to me. Tissa — I too think you are being a bit harsh. I have had relationships not work out or really never get off the ground to begin with for many other reasons. You sound a little bit like one of those societal voices. I am in my forties now and whenI was twenty and something I met a guy — he was a few years older than me, a lawyer, rich, wanted to settle down and have children.
Now I am over forty, still single, no kids, dating again after some years. Recently I met our mutual friend who told me that man had been married for years, had two sons… And you know what? Nothing at all. After the first initial shock of splitting up with my husband, after over 20 years of marriage, I decided to get out of the house as much as possible.
I work 2 jobs, and pretty much all of my free time is booked up at any given time for the next week and half or 2. Sparkling If a man wants to take the time and effort to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, I would be pleased rather downgrade it to coffee or lunch.
Especially over several dates. I guess I must apply the same to women. Marymary, I think you misunderstood me. I work 2 jobs, I have lots of relationships with friends and family, etc.
For one thing, I would hold days open for a boyfriend, but not a match. Also, many of those things I am so busy with now would be appropriate to include a boyfriend, but not a person I just met. Sparkle Will you commit to a date 2 weeks in advance? I had a hard time getting any women to promise to go out that far in advance. Women who were not busy would balk because they wanted freedom to change plans.
Women I had established dating patterns with who had full schedules usually would not commit so far out. At best they would make tentative plans and try to get things lined up, but there was always that chance they would have to cancel. Meanwhile, I had to keep that slot open until I knew for sure she could not go, sometimes learning that with short notice.
If my experience is typical, then most men figure there is no point in asking someone for a date that far out. If two busy people go that route, unwilling to even change a meetup RSVP several days in advance of the event really? Set aside one evening per week for a match. If you end up dateless that night use it for some down time writing, reading, crafting, etc.
Hi AllenB- Thanks for your response. Nothing there I would really cancel for a semi-blind date from match. Luckily or unluckily no one asked me out for that week. Or Saturday in the morning or afternoon. Or Sunday. Really, is that so bad, that the first meeting from a match. Many people recommend making that first meeting short anyway. I did have one potential date give up on me.
We had moved from e-mail to phone, but ended up playing phone tag. My neighbor called me up and wanted to visit, and I told her I would, but that i was expecting a phone call, and I would be over afterwards.
Should I have stayed home and waited for his call? Being single AGAIN, and working with this technology, and trying to figure out what the etiquette is, is a bit tricky for me.
Seems like all this new tech stuff that is supposed to make communication easier, is ending up being a barrier. Or he can schedule a date Sunday night after spending 29 hours at a convention. What I learned from actively dating for several years: A woman who is seriously pursuing dating will have some time built into her schedule for that activity. A woman who is interested in me will make some time for dating.
Karl R — T 55 Thanks for your response, I enjoy the perspective of men who are still dating. Let me clarify a few things. When someone initiates plans to meet me, I let them know when I am available. If that fits in with their schedule, great, if not, oh well, we can either try again later, or move on.
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